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Ernest Foot


CHARACTER PROFILE #62
Name:Ernest Foot
Qualities: Ignorant, Arrogant, Insulting, Loud & Brash ( are his better ones)
Medical History: Foot-In-Mouth Disease, Verbal Diarrhoea Itchy Groin Syndrome
Fav. TV Shows: Watch With Mother, Casualty, ER, Medical Disasters

Steve Pemberton
Mr Foot is the kind of person you dread sitting next to on a bus. Once he starts talking nothing shuts him up - his mouth is like a runaway train on speed. Even if he asks you a question he answers it himself before you have chance to. So imagine, if you can, my horror when he gets on a bus in Royston Vasey and heads for where I'm sitting. I tried turning my personal CD player up full volume but I still heard him booming out the words "If you feel like singing along - Don't" Talking to him is like trying to saddle a cow - it's hard work and totally pointless.

Iris got on the bus and I thought oh no he's bound to say something insulting. He didn't let me down. He turned to me and said "When I first met Iris I thought she was the ugliest woman I had ever met but the other day I met her mum so I take it all back now!" Iris gave him a look that would have killed any normal person stone dead but it's water off a duck's back to Mr Foot. I sank into the seat hoping she didn't think he was with me.

He then started going on about the war in Iraq and how our over-stretched health service wouldn't be able to cope with all the injured people (he said cripples but I cleaned it up) coming back over here. He also told me that when he watches t.v and sees the poor starving kids around the world it makes him cry. He went on to say that he would like to go and help but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

Stella got on then and he smiled and said "Hello" to her and I thought thank god there's someone he's nice to but then he said to her "I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception." Luckily she ignored him until he looked back and said "Be yourself, is the worse advice you can give someone like her." Stella responded but I think it was in French but he counter attacked with "She has lost the art of conversation but unfortunately not the power of speech."

No one gets to know Mr Foot well enough to become his enemy but his friends all hate him. Why he has to be so disagreeable when with a little effort he could be impossible is a philosophy he lives by.

As he was getting off he left one more piece of advice for me "You be very careful if you don't know where you are going because you might not get there!" Just as I was beginning to relax he came back to tell me I should buy some land as they're not making it anymore. I must save up and get myself a car.

Profile by 'Saucy Sal'


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Ernest Foot Quotes
  • "uh, was it something I said ?"

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