"Brian, tell Mike the one about the 'Mau Mau'!"

Heaven forbid, you're bored of chatting about the LoG!! Well it's ok, there's something for you here!

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Exinferis
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"Brian, tell Mike the one about the 'Mau Mau'!"

Post by Exinferis » Fri Aug 01, 2003 12:35 am

As the title suggests, here's a place for all those jokes you've been waiting to share with the rest of us!

Please keep them clean(ish!). If you need to use swear-words please *** out some of the letters so as not to offend other users... Some of us are sweet and innocent! :wink:

Other than that, anything goes so enjoy yourselves! :lol:
Last edited by Exinferis on Tue Jun 22, 2004 6:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Mandy Krell » Fri Aug 01, 2003 2:49 am

Just remember this is my first one so here goes:

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

I'll be back!!!! :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

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Post by Mandy Krell » Sat Aug 02, 2003 12:02 am

Hi only me again!!

"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." His girlfriend said!

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

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Exinferis
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Post by Exinferis » Thu Aug 21, 2003 9:15 pm

My friend Rob just sent me this and I couldn't wait to post it!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

How many forum users does it take to change a light bulb?



1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
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Just A Big Fan

Post by Just A Big Fan » Fri Aug 22, 2003 1:05 pm

It was such hard work reading all of the above that i had no energy left
to titter at them :P

Mandy Krell
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Post by Mandy Krell » Fri Aug 22, 2003 10:50 pm

Just A Big Fan wrote:It was such hard work reading all of the above that i had no energy left
to titter at them :P
You tell one then??!!!! :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

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Post by Exinferis » Fri Sep 12, 2003 4:41 pm

*Moved from different thread for Nic!*

I have one-
One tramp went into a bar and asked the bartender for a cocktail stick.

"tell me what your gonna use it for and i'll give it to you"
the tramp replied "no, just give it and ill tell you later"
and so off went the tramp with the cocktail stick.

the second tramp came in asking for the same thing.
the bar tander said the same thing, and again, the second tramp replied
"No, dont worry, i'll tell you later".

The third tramp came in and asked for a straw.
The bar tender asked why he didnt want a cocktail stick and what the straw was for.
the tramp replied "someones been sick outside, and the others have had the best bits".
_________________
And the madness continues...

Nic xx
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Post by Nicolazarou Shearsmith » Fri Sep 12, 2003 10:07 pm

Cheers Ex
neighbours...everybody needs good neighbours... with a little understanding... you could find the perfect blend ... x

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Post by Exinferis » Sun Sep 21, 2003 3:59 pm

I do like this one! Thanks again to my Rob, who seems to pull these jokes out of the air! :lol: :lol:

An obviously gay flight attendant arrives in the aisle to announce;
"Can I have your attention please. The lovely captain has asked that all
of you faaabulous people secure your belts and raise your trays as he wants to put this brute of a plane on the ground", much arm gesturing throughout.
He sashays down the aisle to check on people, smiling through his fake tan with bleached teeth, and arrives beside an exotic, dark woman who hasn't moved an inch.
He leans in "excuse me sweetie, I suppose you couldn't hear me over those big masculine engines outside but the captain wants everyone to be ready for his landing of you gorgeous people"
The woman turns to him and stares unblinkingly "In my country I am called a princess and take orders from no-one"
The flight attendant smiles back. "Listen to me darling. In my country I'm called a Queen and I out-rank you. Tray up bitch!"
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Post by Mandy Krell » Fri Jan 16, 2004 10:37 pm

This may be a bit sexist so if it upsets anybody Ex please remove it at once with my apologies (remove them too)

How can you tell when a man's well hung????? :twisted:

You can't get your fingers between his neck and the rope! 8)

Well I did warn you. :roll: :roll: :roll:

Also putting a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

I'm going now I've upset just about everybody :? :? :? :? :? :?

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Post by Nicolazarou Shearsmith » Fri Jan 16, 2004 11:20 pm

LOL LOL

I have another one my mate text me with. it is sick-

"two gays, one dies, his partner asks for his body to be made into a curry, when asked why he replied:

I just want to feel him dribbling out of my arse one more time!"

:-& :puke:
neighbours...everybody needs good neighbours... with a little understanding... you could find the perfect blend ... x

Stump_Hole

Post by Stump_Hole » Sat Jan 17, 2004 10:28 am

Here's one:-

Once upon a time, a beautiful girl, Cindy, was attempting to get on a boat to travel to America.

However, she has no ticket and cannot get on board.

"I'll make you a deal," says one of the crew men. "If you have sex with me every night, I'll hide you below deck."

"Alright," replies the desperate girl.

And so, they follow the plan through but on the second night after sex, she pops her head up above board to see where the ship is. She is spotted by one of the other crew members.

"What are you doing down there?" questions the man

"I'll be honest with you," she replies. "I've made a deal with one of the other men. I get to go to America and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," laughs the man. "...this is the cross-river ferry"

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Post by Exinferis » Sat Jan 17, 2004 4:43 pm

Mandy: No, that's fine; I like that one. Have heard it before and thought it was so true! :lol:

Nic: That's disgusting! :shock: Think I'll leave it though, as it is quite funny! :wink:
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Post by Mandy Krell » Thu Jan 29, 2004 8:58 pm

A man was travelling along in his car with a newly fitted voice-activated radio whan he decided to try it out. He said 'Rock' and Iron Maiden came on the radio, then he said 'Country and Western' and they played one of Dolly Partons greatest hits and he thought this is great, he said 'Pop' and they played Westlife. As he drove around the corner some children ran across the road infront of him and he said 'F**king Kids' and a Michael Jackson record came on.

Sorry Wacko fans!!!!

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Post by Exinferis » Thu Jan 29, 2004 9:21 pm

That's just so 'Bad'!
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